Now, this once green and pleasant land has been replaced by 'ghastly' boroughs such as Haringey, 'where decent folk lock their car doors as they drive through and has returned no Conservative councillors whatsoever since 1998'.

The answer to the deterioration of the suburbs, then, is clearly more Tory MPs and more Tory councillors. Maybe we should bring Maggie back. That would kick off the blue revival.

Councillor Brian Coleman sheds a tear for the old days in his blog on the New Statesman website this week, mourning a time when the Tories led the fight against social decay on behalf of the working classes.

In an exercise in joined-up thinking, the London Assembly member blames the modern deterioration of the suburbs on the fact that the Tories were kicked out of so many of them in 1997.

"The suburbs were what the working classes aspired to by (sic). They were the place the middle classes lived and died," he writes. "They boasted a selection of churches, a Tory MP and an active local amenity society."

"I've done musicality, physicality - now I'm doing the spirituality."

So says Barnet's Chico Slimani. Yes, THE Chico, of goat-herder turned-pop fame, who is currently in Cyprus before he takes on Proms in the Park on Saturday.

"I'm feeding my soul as opposed to my ego," he cries down the phone. "My soul is the engine and my ego is in the driving seat."

The maxims explode like mortar fire. If you plugged Chico in, you could power the National Grid.

"Dream it, believe it, work for it, achieve it. Forget the experience but never the lesson - keep knocking on doors and windows will open."

He starts singing: "Size 0 has gotta go / Give me Marilyn Monroe and a little bit of J-Lo." This is Chico's new single, Curvy Cola Bottle Body - or 'Chico Time on steroids', as he describes it.

But the song has a serious message: thin ain't in. Eat those crumpets 'n' cream cakes and be a bigger and better woman for it. Chico, it seems, is more than just a Moroccan Tigger with tight trousers. He occasionally does some thinking too.

"You live life for others. The essence of true happiness is your soul. The ego is a terrible master and a fantastic slave," he says.

Be sceptical if you like. But Chico loves his critics too: "They've stoked my fire to go higher. I couldn't have done it without them."

So get rid of that NMA ('negative mental attitude'), despatch that ego, and get down to Hyde Park on Saturday, because, deep down, you know you want to.